It's crazy how strong a memory can be. Im about to spend christmas home, on the actual day. I haven't done that for several years. I remember all the christmases for the past like 5-6 years.. It's both relaxing and stressing to be home during christmas. It some how feels like I don't know what to do during christmas at home.
Abroad it's always the same. You wake up happy that it is christmas, you go tanning for the whole day. Around 4-5 o'clock you go to a massage and after that to get your self ready for the evening. The evening consists of buffet dinner, lots of programs, dancing, fireworks and a drunk santa claus. You have your toes in the sand and you run in the warm ocean. Shorts with a nice top or a short dress.. It some hows feels more like christmas to me than being home surrounded by snow.
I guess is just how you're just to things. I know this is going to sound like Im a spoiled kid, but I've got used to feeling sand between my toes during christmas, not snow and cold weather.. I'll guess that's one of the reasons I don't like typical finnish christmas food or get that christmas feeling like everybody does. Bc I get it from sand and a tropic island.
But that's not what I was even supposed to talk about. Hahhahaha. I remember last christmas break so well. The journey to thailand, the almost 2 weeks we spend at Koh Lipe and the days we spend in Bangkok. I don't remember the last time I would have been that happy. I miss it so much. I didn't realize it before I listened to give me love by Ed Sheeran and started looking through the photos we took. I can still feel the light breeze through my hair, the feeling seeing that really hot guy in our hotel, the massage womans that always massaged us, the funny waitresses in our hotels restaurant that always messed up our orders, when I fainted and the christmas and new years party..
I remember the joy rush I got when we arrived to the island and the feeling of a broken heart when we left. I think I shed a few tears because I didn't want to return home. I wanted to stay at a place where everything was/is so easy. To come back to reality were everything fucks up, you get disappointed in people, you trust the wrong ones and everything is just so difficult.
I guess Im scared that I won't get that break that I need from this reality. And Im scared that I won't enjoy christmas at home... It just doesn't feel right to be here during the holiday. It doesn't feel like home right now. But this christmas is all about being with the family bc next year Im not here with them. So I guess it will turn out to be okay. Even though I would like to celebrate it some where else. But you can't always get what you want, and the most important thing is with who you are. The people you celebrate it with, will make it memorable. Enjoy christmas every time because it could be the last one you celebrate, or the last someone else celebrates. Share love and be honest. That's whats christmas is all about.


2012-12-24 @ 19:10:00

this text gave me a headache

Svar: ahahahha sorry for that...

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