It's crazy how strong a memory can be. Im about to spend christmas home, on the actual day. I haven't done that for several years. I remember all the christmases for the past like 5-6 years.. It's both relaxing and stressing to be home during christmas. It some how feels like I don't know what to do during christmas at home.
Abroad it's always the same. You wake up happy that it is christmas, you go tanning for the whole day. Around 4-5 o'clock you go to a massage and after that to get your self ready for the evening. The evening consists of buffet dinner, lots of programs, dancing, fireworks and a drunk santa claus. You have your toes in the sand and you run in the warm ocean. Shorts with a nice top or a short dress.. It some hows feels more like christmas to me than being home surrounded by snow.
I guess is just how you're just to things. I know this is going to sound like Im a spoiled kid, but I've got used to feeling sand between my toes during christmas, not snow and cold weather.. I'll guess that's one of the reasons I don't like typical finnish christmas food or get that christmas feeling like everybody does. Bc I get it from sand and a tropic island.
But that's not what I was even supposed to talk about. Hahhahaha. I remember last christmas break so well. The journey to thailand, the almost 2 weeks we spend at Koh Lipe and the days we spend in Bangkok. I don't remember the last time I would have been that happy. I miss it so much. I didn't realize it before I listened to give me love by Ed Sheeran and started looking through the photos we took. I can still feel the light breeze through my hair, the feeling seeing that really hot guy in our hotel, the massage womans that always massaged us, the funny waitresses in our hotels restaurant that always messed up our orders, when I fainted and the christmas and new years party..
I remember the joy rush I got when we arrived to the island and the feeling of a broken heart when we left. I think I shed a few tears because I didn't want to return home. I wanted to stay at a place where everything was/is so easy. To come back to reality were everything fucks up, you get disappointed in people, you trust the wrong ones and everything is just so difficult.
I guess Im scared that I won't get that break that I need from this reality. And Im scared that I won't enjoy christmas at home... It just doesn't feel right to be here during the holiday. It doesn't feel like home right now. But this christmas is all about being with the family bc next year Im not here with them. So I guess it will turn out to be okay. Even though I would like to celebrate it some where else. But you can't always get what you want, and the most important thing is with who you are. The people you celebrate it with, will make it memorable. Enjoy christmas every time because it could be the last one you celebrate, or the last someone else celebrates. Share love and be honest. That's whats christmas is all about.


Yesterday I was babysitting these two kids. A six years old girl and a 8 years old boy. But the special thing was that this boy was autistic. Which meant that he was living in his on world, didn't talk and stuff like that. Luckily for me his autism wasn't that bad so he reacted when I spoke to him and he nod and shook his head as an answer. 
It really got me thinking. Im so lucky that Im healthy, and that my everybody in my family is too. I know it doesn't mean that he isn't healthy and stuff. What I mean is that it's hard for both his family and for him self. Or I don't know, maybe he is happy just the way he is. Because he doesn't know better. He's happy in his own world. But for his family I guess it's hard. It may be hard to understand why he does things the way he does, and what's the problem when he gets hysterical. It's hard to find nannys who connect with the him and doesn't get scared. But it also very giving I think. You get a new perspective of life. Or for me one night with him changed mine. 
He was all the time so happy. Happy reading one of his book, happy swinging in the swing... I guess I wish I would be that happy. He was so lovable. When I hugged him good night he did this weird happy sound and looked at me in the eye. It felt like he would have been totally normal and nothing would be wrong. He was so kind, happy and had so much love to share.
I know there is nothing wrong with these kind of disabilities. But I wish they didn't exist. I don't know if people who have this disability are happier than we are, but it feels wrong that they won't live as long as we do and that they always will need help to do something. He isn't the first autistic child I met, but he is the one who made me think. And I wish him all the best, and I look forward babysitting him again!


Like everybody else I exercise to get my dream body. I do also exercise because I wan't to be healthy and feel good about my self. But it so much more than just going to gym and eating healthy. It's a life style.
Right now I have this what I called healthy-period. It's a period were I train insane and eat healthy. My mission is to loose little bit weight and get fitter. I wan't to be the girl everybody talks about. Not like OMG did you hear what she did.. Blablabla. I wan't people to be like look at her! She's lost weight and she's so fit. I would like to have her body and stuff like that. Few days ago I found a photo which said: I wan't my boyfriends friends to be jealous of him. And there was a girl with a lovely fit belly. I wan't to be that girl. Not that I have a boyfriend or anything, hhahahhaha..
I've been exercising and eating healthy for 3 weeks now, and I can see some changes. They aren't that big, but you do see them if you know how I looked before. I've been exercising for 4-6 times a week and eating healthy all the time. No cheating. When Im satisfied with my body I will upload some before and after photos too inspire people who are going through the same thing as Im going through. And no, Im not saying that everyone should loose weight and get thin and fit. I just wan't everybody to be happy and comfortable with them selfs. 
I've suffered every week of muscle soreness, sometimes worse sometimes easier pain. But I've learned to appreciate the pain. It means that I've done something right and that my muscles are getting fitter. I love to drive my self to the point where I don't even know how Im going to walk to the bus station.
As I already told I want to loose weight. But that's still not the most important thing. I want to look fit. I want and Im going to get that thigh gap, a flat belly and fit arms. Im just going to get them. I don't care for how long it will take, I won't stop until I have them. For so long I've been uncomfortable with my body and not liked to show my self in shorts and bikinis. Even though I've always have had an normal weight and looked normal. And I just decided that Im not going to look at my self being miserable with my self. Next summer I want to be happy about how I look. I want to, want to put bikinis and shorts on. 
Im doing this just for me. Im doing it for the wow, confidence and for a happier me.

It's no fun to be thinking about the future, when you know it will hurt you.

I really just wish that everything could get back to normal. Just go back 6months. Almost everything was perfect back then. But now everything and everybody is starting to change. It's not that I don't like changes, I do. But this change Im not ready for. It just feels like I've lost grip of my own life. Maybe the change is for the best, but it will and it does still hurt. I know that everything good must come to an end, but some things you just wish you could have forever.
I thought coming to a "new school" would be fun, that I would start to learn new people and still have my old friends. So far as Im concerned this is the suckiest school start ever. Right know it feels like it's going to be the worst year in my life. Yes I've got to know new people, but it feels like I've lost some old. And Im not good in loosing something, never have been never going to be. It hurts. But maybe I now finally get to see who's really is there for me, and who's not. It will hurt, but I'll get stronger. I will.
There's one thing lightning up my day in school. It's to see that perfect face with the always welcoming smile. At those times I feel happy. Im starting to sound like Blair Waldorff.. Hahahah. But still.
Ciao Bellas, gotta get to school!

picture is taken from nadja


And when it does happen. You don't know what to do.

Things you regret or will regret

This is going to be a long post about nothing, or it's about regreting. So if you don't want to read my thoughts skip this!

Im suppoused to write an essay about things you will regret at your deathbed. According to many sources persons at their deathbed regret big things, such as why didn't they work less or live a more happy life. Why did they break the contact with their best friend or merry an alcoholist. At this point of life you don't even remember the annoying boss, or that bitch who talked shit about you. You just regret that you didn't live the life you now would have wanted.
But will we ever be pleased with the life we lived, or are living right now?

When your young, you regret stuff like why didn't I talk to my crush or why did I talk to him/her? Why did I write that comment or ever wear that piece of clothing. Things like that aren't life changing (well they can be, but usually not), and when your older you won't even remember them.

Of course I have things that I regret, similar to the ones I've said. I actually regret alot, but the most I've forgot at this point. It's right to regret things and you should. When you regret you show feelings and that you really cared about something/someone. But never regret too long, it's not healthy and you don't feel well. Regreting show as well compassion and sorrow. You should regret the bad things you done, but never regret something that ones made you smile. Cause at that moment it seemed like the best idea ever.

And the question is, do we regret more things we did or didn't do?

For myself I have to say I regret more things that I haven't done. Alot of things could have been different if I just would have the courage to do some of them. I regret of course things that I've done, but it's usually bad things. Like screaming to my parents or saying something bad to someone. That kind of stuff I regret doing. But as I said earlier:
Don't ever regret something that ones made you smile. Cause at the moment it seemed like the best idea ever.
Otherwise I think people regret more things that they haven't done. It's easier to regret stuff like that. It's hard to regret someting that you have done, cause your basically saying to your self that you failed. And which person would like to feel like that often.

on my mind

Do you know the feeling when something awful happens to your friend? The feeling when you can't breath because you know you should be by their side helping them? That's how I feel right now. I feel that I should be in many places comforting my friends.
Just to be there, holding their hand and tell them that everything's going to be alright. But I can't. I feel powerless. I hate to see my friends hurt or sad. It makes me sad and angry. Angry cause I know I can't do anything. That the power isn't in my hands. I try to make them laugh, smile and forget the bad things. But sometimes it just not enough.
When someone of my dearst has a bad day, I feel like it's my fault. Like I may have made them sad or angry. That it's my responsibility to make them happy, and make sure they don't get these days when they feel that everything goes wrong.
So when something bad happens to someone I care about. My world falls apart. Because I failed. I failed taking care of them. And now they're sad. Even if I know it's not my fault, it still feels like it is. It feels like my fault even if someone would get cancer. There's always something I could have done differently. I could have said something, that would have stopped for somethings to happen. It's my responsibility to take care of my friends, and make sure nothing bad happens to them. And when something happens, I feel powerless. Feeling powerless is a feeling I hate. In that moment I feel weak. I wasn't strong enough to protect them. It's alright to feel weak. But in my case, it just isn't. Because Im not suppoused to feel weak. I need to be strong for my friends. I need to be by their side, taking care of them. And I can't be weak. I need to be storng.
I wanna send to everyone that has trouble or something that just isn't going your way, big hugs! You all deserve happy lives. Don't let the bad stuff eat you up. Protect your closest and show your love for your dearest. In the end your gonna remember who was by your side, and who wasn't.

I want:

summer vacation
new clothes
to go to NYC
watch glee & pretty little liars

Here's a list of things I want at the moment. But now this little girl over here is going to bed. Kiss and hugs

The feeling you get when something you didn't expect happens




Do you ever feel like theres something missing in your life? Well I do. And I finally figured it out today. I was supposed to throw away my old soccer/football clothes. And when I took the clothes out memories started to come. It feels wierd. Cause now I had to let go. Throw the clothes away, and never return to my hobby. I never saw this moment coming. That I really had to let go of something that's a huge part of me, or was. Some picec of clothing reminded me that in the end, I actually were good. If Im honest, I was really great. I played in my lands best team, got to play almost the hole game, played in my districts "like national team" and played for my lands national team. And I were never happy with how I played. Always there was something to complain about. So now when I had to thorw away me training clothes. I prety much regretted my descision. I feel so wierd, and felt like there's something missing. When I still played, I always had something to do: trainings, games and camps. I never had spare time, but that didn't bother me at all. But there's no going backs. Haven't played for over a half year, and although I regret quiting Im happy as I am. More time for my friends, but then again more times when Im all alone. Don't get me wrong, I like how my life looks right now. I just wondered how it would have been if I hadn't quit. It feels strange that I have a summer with almost no plans. First summer I dont have tournaments, trainings, camps or games. I have the hole summer to do absolutly nothing. Im kind of panicing, cause I've never had this much spare time under a summer. And Im scared that everyone else has plans, and Im going to be all alone.
So yes I miss soccer/football but Im happy as I am, just need to find something to replace soccer/football.

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